Souvenirs and self-image

Today marks four weeks since my surgery. I don’t know why that seems like an important date, but that is how it feels. More so because I’m still in that liminal space between diagnosis, surgery, and discovering what comes next based on a still unknown pathology report.

Slowly, my incisions are fading into what will be stories to tell to future training partners. It never occurred to me that these external marks would be a talisman of sorts — a reminder that my body can do hard things and heal from trauma that wasn’t invited in.

As I’ve watched my body find it’s shape again, it also never occurred to me that I wouldn’t go back to wearing shorts and a sports bra to work out. I don’t fit the conventional image of a runner, and as Lululemon’s Further ultra-marathon unfolds, I like that this is an era where conventions are being reshaped.

So as the weather continues to get nicer, I’m shifting my gear from long base layers to shorts, tank tops, and — yes — a sports bra some days. Those days are still confined to the gym at the moment, but it won’t be long before they might be on the roads in my neighbourhood or on the mountain.

It’s not something I was comfortable doing when I was younger. Then, I was much more conscious of image, that my larger breasts made me different from my teammates, and my round hips and thighs didn’t fit with what you imagined when the word ‘runner’ was conjured. Baring my stomach seemed unthinkable.

Now, those things have all been reframed. I don’t know if it comes with age, with spending time with a women-led team where bodies of all shapes and paces run, or if there are larger shifts in the zeitgeist at play. The gear I choose — my power suit — is what makes me feel comfortable in myself for the weather and the intensity of my workout.

What I do know is I celebrate what my body can do, both as it recovers from surgery and as I look ahead to putting races back on my calendar.